Turn Your Scars Into Gold

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Life happens to all of us. In some way, shape, or form, everyone has felt some type of heartbreak, depression, or pain that left them feeling broken. And if you read my last post, you know that I have too.

And the worst part about feeling broken is not knowing what to do with the pieces. You make yourself feel ugly and small as you stare at the floor. At all of the scattered fragments of what you used to be. Not knowing how to put yourself back together again even if you tried. I have been broken, in many ways I still am. Loving myself, valuing myself, holding myself up to any sort of standards at all has been a major struggle for me. Whatever is was that broke me, is what made me. And I hated it, I wanted to be strong, and feel empowered, confident, and beautiful.

Then I stumbled upon something that helped me see how being broken in itself; can be so beautiful. ♥

I saw an article online called, “Kintsugi, the art of precious scars”. This, along with a photo of a small bowl that was decorated with lines of gold caught my attention.

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It is said that the art of Kintsugi was created around the 15th century, when the eighth shogun of the Ashikaga shogunate, named Ashikaga Yoshimasa, broke his favorite teacup.

He sent the teacup to China to get repaired, and was unsuccessful. Not wanting to let the cup go, he decided to try to let some Japanese craftsmen repair it. Impressed with the shogun, the craftsmen decided to turn the cup into a jewel by filling the cracks with gold. Making it more beautiful and more valuable after it had been destroyed.

This concept blew my mind. Think about it. Anytime we break something, a plate, a vase, we throw it away. In our eyes it loses its value, its beauty & its purpose. This is also how I treated myself. I was broken. To me that meant; No more worth, no more beauty, & no more purpose. I felt disposable.

Now I am not going to lie and say that I am magically healed thru this magnificent revelation. That would be false beyond words. I am still very much broken in many aspects. I still struggle everyday with looking myself in the mirror, and learning to love what I see.

However, I am learning more everyday on how to heal myself, and become the woman I want to be.

Self- love I’ve come to realize the hard way, is a very difficult thing. Which sounds ironic considering how easy it sounds. Love yourself. That’s it. Always put YOU first , do what makes YOU happy, & live YOUR best life. I could tell myself those words over & over & over. Reciting it in my mind like my own personal mantra. The problem was, I never put those words into action.

Making the broken, beautiful. I began to think of all the aspects of myself that I didn’t like. How I didn’t feel beautiful, how I felt fat, how I wished I was smarter, how I looked at other women on social media who appeared perfect, & silently wished I was them.

Enough was enough. For me, and for anyone was has ever let their scars & their battle wounds become them.

This is for everyone reading that has ever felt pain, that has ever gave up on themselves. That has ever been broken. Its time to stop letting your broken pieces waste away on the floor as you stare at them in despair. Stop letting them turn you into someone you hate. Pick them up, look at them, & imagine all of the beautiful things that can come from it.

Forget about what broke you. That doesn’t matter anymore. What matters now is how you will put yourself back together. It wont be easy, your going to want to give up. And maybe at first you wont be able to see the beauty that comes from being able to heal yourself. But once you are strong enough to pick up all of the pieces & start placing them back together. Fill them with gold, paint them in glitter, & let them transform you into an even more beautiful unique person. Stop hiding your scars & being ashamed. Wear them with pride. They tell a story that you went thru hell & came back even more beautiful. No one breaks the same, no one heals the same. Everyone’s scars are different, why not make them beautiful?

Let your battles become your biggest lessons & Never stop loving YOU!

XOXO – Jani

Kintsugi

A Piece of the Bitter

Hello Beauties,

The past two weeks have been pretty hard for me. I cried a lot. I questioned my self as a mother, partner, friend & as a person. I doubted myself in every way, shape & form. This is what happens. Every time that pinch of darkness comes sneaking back in, reminding me it was never really gone. So I did the same thing I always do. I broke down and let it in. And all of the self-empowerment, all of the self-love & strength I had for myself, gone. Everything I worked so hard for since the last time I fell down that hole, was gone. If your reading this, your probably wondering what happened? What made me so sad? The answer… absolutely nothing.

The first time I was told I had anxiety and depression, I was a senior in high school. And up until that point I always thought there was something wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just be happy? I tried to smile more, laugh more. I painted a different face on myself every morning in hopes that it would somehow change the way I felt inside too. But it never did. I started talking to my guidance counselor who referred me to a psychiatrist.

I was so scared to go. Did this mean I was crazy? What if people find out? I was so worried that there was something actually wrong with me. After a few sessions, I still felt sad. But now I knew how to deal with it better. That was when writing saved me. I started journals, wrote poems. Sometime I even just scratched out a page with a pen as I cried just to get it out. All of my hurt and pain was being poured out on the pages, & in the end I had something so beautiful, so BitterSweet.

It doesn’t happen as often anymore as it did before. And I’ve gotten a lot better at dealing with it. But when it does happen, it hits hard. I can feel it coming in the pit of my stomach, and dread just consumes my entire being. The only thing that makes it harder now is the fact that now, I’m a mother ❤️ I have two beautiful happy children who look at me everyday with love in their eyes and happiness in their sous. They look at me, their momma, and expect me to be strong and happy for them. To keep it together and push through. But what happens when I can’t! What happens on the days that no matter how hard I try, I can’t pull myself out of it. Those days are the worst. Those days were the past two weeks.

Being depressed as a mom makes you feel as though you’ve failed in a way. It makes you feel terrible and that in turn makes the depression worse. I tell myself my kids deserve better. I feel bad for not playing with them when they ask me. I get mad at myself and scream at myself to just snap out of it for them! But I can’t.

I have an amazing support system. Friends, family & my boyfriend. Amazing people who constantly remind me that it is okay. That I’m a good mom, and I’ll get thru it. But their will always be the people who don’t understand what it is like to deal with a mental illness that you can’t control & will make you feel bad for feeling bad. And if you don’t have a support system or people to help you thru it, you might start to believe them.

Hence the reason for this post. I will be your support system. I will be your help. Because I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and wish the day was already over before it began. To look at yourself I’m the mirror & not be able to feel anything good about yourself. Even if your not a mom, this is for you. ❤️

It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to feel sad and hurt and broken. It is okay to not smile everyday. Someone once told me that I feel too much & I use to think that it was a bad thing. But now I don’t. Feeling a lot means I have a big heart, it means my soul is good. So if sometimes feeling too much means pain & hurt then that’s okay. Take the good with the bad.

But the one thing that is so important, is to not let yourself stay at the bottom. Remind yourself of your strength, of your beauty, of the fact that there is no one else in the world like you. If there is something in your life making you unhappy, change it. Whether it be relationships, work, or within yourself. Your own self-love is so important. It’s okay to feel sad, as long as you remember that happiness exists.

I created this blog as a place one can go to for acceptance, and understanding. And just to vent. So if you read this post & have felt any of this before, if you feel alone or unhappy and need someone to listen.  If you just need a friend period.  Comment, send me a message. Reach out. Mental illness is nothing to play around with. There is always someone willing to listen. I am one of them ❤️

 

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, and are having thought of suicide or self help, please reach out to someone you love & get help. Or call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.

You never know what someone is dealing with in their life or in their head. Spread love & kindness always 🌹❤️

Xoxo- Jani 💋

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