2019 – The Year for ME 🥂

Its been almost a month since this year began & Its already been pretty damn nuts! I’ve been hearing that this is the year for change & self-discovery. I just didn’t think that the universe would grant me this change as soon as the year began!

I wanted to start the year with an amazing post. Some sort of an inspiring post about embracing whats to come this year & making it worth it. And even though I hope that this ends up still being that in some way, I also need to keep it real.

Okay so without going into detail, (we’ll save that for a later post!), something happened at the beginning of the year that changed my life. And I’m not going to lie, it broke me a little. I was weak, broken and felt like there was no possible way I could go on. And even though I still have a very LONGGG way to go before I am completely healed, I have realized that this may be the exact thing I need to use this year for. HEALING ✨

It is so easy to speak on self-love and preach to everyone on how important it is to have. It is something different entirely to actually practice self-love and be able to conquer it without fear! I always thought I loved myself, I mean why not right? But the truth is, I’ve been validating my self worth thru the eyes of others. I would try really hard to make sure everyone liked me, so that in the end it would give me a reason for me to like me. Which is pretty fucked up!

I have realized that this year needs to be about giving but in a different way. I need to give to MYSELF. All of the love, attention, time, & energy I have gave to people who didn’t deserve it & who gave nothing in return. I need to learn how to start giving it to myself.

With that being said I have decided to take this change & turn it into something amazing for myself. A new beginning.

In a way I am grateful for the hurt, and thankful for the messiness. For so long I have been stuck in a storm. A storm that I have always had the power to walk away from, but was always so fearful of what it would mean to no longer feel what I was so used to. Despite how chaotic and toxic. I could always see other people in the sunlight, happy, full of self love, loving the world they created for themselves. And even though I knew that I wanted to feel that at some point, I was never sure if I really deserved it. Until now.

I can finally see the grey clouds rolling away & the slightest glimmer of sunlight finally shining through. I have hope, and with this hope came SOO many possibilities for the future that I never saw before. I want to give myself all of the love I gave away. I want to take care of me, and make myself as happy as I have been trying to make those around me.

I had gotten a lot more in touch with the Universe, and spirituality. Studying the law of manifestation and the law of attraction and would love to do more posts on it later on. But I have started a new journey with all of this, and I have never been more excited & scared in my life! A good kind of scary, the kind that just makes me feel like I have the entire world in my hands and can do whatever it is I want to do.

This year will be about me. About finding out who the hell I really am, and what I want. This year will be about accepting every inch of myself, mind, body & soul.

I want this to be for everyone who continues to struggle with life, with themselves. There is such a magical feeling of relief and hope that comes along with realizing you are worthy of so much more. I used to want my life to end, & now I can’t wait to keep living it!

“Just when the Caterpillar thought her life was over, She began to Fly.. 🦋”

xoxo – Janii

Should I Keep Going? ❤

              I knew it had been a long time since my last blog post, but I didn’t realize exactly how much time had gone by. I was looking through my site & my last post was on August 9th. Almost FOUR MONTHS!

 I promise this was not my intention. 

 At first, life was a little hectic. We had our FIRST family vacation at the end of August that I had to prep for! ( 23hr long ROAD TRIP with TWO kids!) Once we got back, it was all about back to school, back to work & settling into the new routine now that summer was over.

There were so many moments that I wanted to write about, so many topics that came up that I thought we be great to share. Its easy to plan something, and say “I’ll do it this day”, or “maybe tomorrow”. What’s hard is actually making it happen. I knew I needed to post again, I wanted to keep it up to date and be as active with my blog as possible. Then life happened, stress happened, and that’s when the self-doubt set in.

I started to think that maybe being a blogger just wasn’t for me. What was the point of wanting to write if I never actually did it?

I am a QUEEN when it comes to making excuses for myself on why I cant do something. Thus came the list of reasons why my blogging career should end before it ever got the chance to actually begin:

  1. I’m a mom & dont have the time. (Lame af I know)
  2. I’m not that good at writing.
  3. What if nobody wants to read it?
  4. Whats the point?

  As I thought more and more about the reasons why I shouldn’t blog anymore. I realized those were the exact reasons why I decided to start it in the first place. 

Momming is hard! I have never worked somewhere that or held a position that was as difficult as the one waiting for me at home each night. And it is so easy to let all of that make you feel as though you are the only one living it. I wanted mommas everywhere to know, Hey you’re not alone! It’s hard for me too! Lets laugh about it together!

And there doesnt need to be a point. Nobody needs to read it. And who cares if I’m not the best writer. This makes me happy. Writing. Expressing. Connecting makes me happy. And I want to continue that for as long as I can.

If you are reading this, please take the advice I continually try to instill in myself. Don’t let self doubt ruin the plans you’ve made for yourself or the goals you want to accomplish. It’s not always easy, I know. But the way I am trying to see it is, there are so many people in your life and in your future that are going to doubt you, why do it to yourself? Be your own biggest fan. I don’t ever want to look back one day and regret not doing something because I thought I would fail. I am proud of myself for even getting this far, something I never thought I’d do. And imagining how much farther I could go if I push that little voice aside is what makes me want to keep it going.

I am going to try to keep blogging as much as I can, hopefully a post a week! I apologize in advance if that does not happen. I am a certified struggler when it comes to life & dealing with all its chaos. Sometimes I let it get the best of me. But I am going to try & I hope you will all continue reading. As lame as my posts may be lol.

Much more to come!

XOXO- Janii

Turn Your Scars Into Gold

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Life happens to all of us. In some way, shape, or form, everyone has felt some type of heartbreak, depression, or pain that left them feeling broken. And if you read my last post, you know that I have too.

And the worst part about feeling broken is not knowing what to do with the pieces. You make yourself feel ugly and small as you stare at the floor. At all of the scattered fragments of what you used to be. Not knowing how to put yourself back together again even if you tried. I have been broken, in many ways I still am. Loving myself, valuing myself, holding myself up to any sort of standards at all has been a major struggle for me. Whatever is was that broke me, is what made me. And I hated it, I wanted to be strong, and feel empowered, confident, and beautiful.

Then I stumbled upon something that helped me see how being broken in itself; can be so beautiful. ♥

I saw an article online called, “Kintsugi, the art of precious scars”. This, along with a photo of a small bowl that was decorated with lines of gold caught my attention.

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It is said that the art of Kintsugi was created around the 15th century, when the eighth shogun of the Ashikaga shogunate, named Ashikaga Yoshimasa, broke his favorite teacup.

He sent the teacup to China to get repaired, and was unsuccessful. Not wanting to let the cup go, he decided to try to let some Japanese craftsmen repair it. Impressed with the shogun, the craftsmen decided to turn the cup into a jewel by filling the cracks with gold. Making it more beautiful and more valuable after it had been destroyed.

This concept blew my mind. Think about it. Anytime we break something, a plate, a vase, we throw it away. In our eyes it loses its value, its beauty & its purpose. This is also how I treated myself. I was broken. To me that meant; No more worth, no more beauty, & no more purpose. I felt disposable.

Now I am not going to lie and say that I am magically healed thru this magnificent revelation. That would be false beyond words. I am still very much broken in many aspects. I still struggle everyday with looking myself in the mirror, and learning to love what I see.

However, I am learning more everyday on how to heal myself, and become the woman I want to be.

Self- love I’ve come to realize the hard way, is a very difficult thing. Which sounds ironic considering how easy it sounds. Love yourself. That’s it. Always put YOU first , do what makes YOU happy, & live YOUR best life. I could tell myself those words over & over & over. Reciting it in my mind like my own personal mantra. The problem was, I never put those words into action.

Making the broken, beautiful. I began to think of all the aspects of myself that I didn’t like. How I didn’t feel beautiful, how I felt fat, how I wished I was smarter, how I looked at other women on social media who appeared perfect, & silently wished I was them.

Enough was enough. For me, and for anyone was has ever let their scars & their battle wounds become them.

This is for everyone reading that has ever felt pain, that has ever gave up on themselves. That has ever been broken. Its time to stop letting your broken pieces waste away on the floor as you stare at them in despair. Stop letting them turn you into someone you hate. Pick them up, look at them, & imagine all of the beautiful things that can come from it.

Forget about what broke you. That doesn’t matter anymore. What matters now is how you will put yourself back together. It wont be easy, your going to want to give up. And maybe at first you wont be able to see the beauty that comes from being able to heal yourself. But once you are strong enough to pick up all of the pieces & start placing them back together. Fill them with gold, paint them in glitter, & let them transform you into an even more beautiful unique person. Stop hiding your scars & being ashamed. Wear them with pride. They tell a story that you went thru hell & came back even more beautiful. No one breaks the same, no one heals the same. Everyone’s scars are different, why not make them beautiful?

Let your battles become your biggest lessons & Never stop loving YOU!

XOXO – Jani

Kintsugi