2019 – The Year for ME 🥂

Its been almost a month since this year began & Its already been pretty damn nuts! I’ve been hearing that this is the year for change & self-discovery. I just didn’t think that the universe would grant me this change as soon as the year began!

I wanted to start the year with an amazing post. Some sort of an inspiring post about embracing whats to come this year & making it worth it. And even though I hope that this ends up still being that in some way, I also need to keep it real.

Okay so without going into detail, (we’ll save that for a later post!), something happened at the beginning of the year that changed my life. And I’m not going to lie, it broke me a little. I was weak, broken and felt like there was no possible way I could go on. And even though I still have a very LONGGG way to go before I am completely healed, I have realized that this may be the exact thing I need to use this year for. HEALING ✨

It is so easy to speak on self-love and preach to everyone on how important it is to have. It is something different entirely to actually practice self-love and be able to conquer it without fear! I always thought I loved myself, I mean why not right? But the truth is, I’ve been validating my self worth thru the eyes of others. I would try really hard to make sure everyone liked me, so that in the end it would give me a reason for me to like me. Which is pretty fucked up!

I have realized that this year needs to be about giving but in a different way. I need to give to MYSELF. All of the love, attention, time, & energy I have gave to people who didn’t deserve it & who gave nothing in return. I need to learn how to start giving it to myself.

With that being said I have decided to take this change & turn it into something amazing for myself. A new beginning.

In a way I am grateful for the hurt, and thankful for the messiness. For so long I have been stuck in a storm. A storm that I have always had the power to walk away from, but was always so fearful of what it would mean to no longer feel what I was so used to. Despite how chaotic and toxic. I could always see other people in the sunlight, happy, full of self love, loving the world they created for themselves. And even though I knew that I wanted to feel that at some point, I was never sure if I really deserved it. Until now.

I can finally see the grey clouds rolling away & the slightest glimmer of sunlight finally shining through. I have hope, and with this hope came SOO many possibilities for the future that I never saw before. I want to give myself all of the love I gave away. I want to take care of me, and make myself as happy as I have been trying to make those around me.

I had gotten a lot more in touch with the Universe, and spirituality. Studying the law of manifestation and the law of attraction and would love to do more posts on it later on. But I have started a new journey with all of this, and I have never been more excited & scared in my life! A good kind of scary, the kind that just makes me feel like I have the entire world in my hands and can do whatever it is I want to do.

This year will be about me. About finding out who the hell I really am, and what I want. This year will be about accepting every inch of myself, mind, body & soul.

I want this to be for everyone who continues to struggle with life, with themselves. There is such a magical feeling of relief and hope that comes along with realizing you are worthy of so much more. I used to want my life to end, & now I can’t wait to keep living it!

“Just when the Caterpillar thought her life was over, She began to Fly.. 🦋”

xoxo – Janii

Welcome to Mommahood 👑

So I was scrolling thru Facebook and I noticed that there are about to be a lot of new mommies out there. Young mommies like me who are about to embark on this new journey for the first time. So I figured this would be the perfect time to write a post just for them.

This Is For You New Mommas 💕

First things first, CONGRATS 🎉

You are about to become the most important person in a tiny person’s life, & go through the most magical life experience!

Being a mommy is great! You have a tiny person who loves you with their entire heart & soul free of any judgment. Someone who will love you unconditionally & will remind you every day that there is always a reason to smile 😊 They teach you more about yourself, then you ever could have learned on your own. You develop a new type of strength that is so different than anything you’ve felt before. The kind that makes Mommas flip cars, and go to the ends of the Earth for their babies.

Life changes. It has a
new meaning, a new purpose, and that purpose will push you towards all of the things you once deemed impossible or too hard. You will wake up each morning and thank God for giving you this gift at a time when you may have needed it most. It will be your greatest blessing. ✨

Now that you know how great it is, lets talk about the things that are not so great & what you will need to survive them including; sleep, patience, headphones & LOTS of Wine 🍷

Some of you probably noticed I didn’t say sleep, there’s a reason for that…

EVERY BABY IS DIFFERENT!

When you’re pregnant with your first child everyone loves to give their input. Especially other “established” mommas. And that is perfectly fine when it comes to things that generally help with all babies. Changing diapers, which bottles give less gas, and which sitters to choose.

However, when it comes to sleep patterns, crying, or feeding. Sometimes listening to the advice of moms before you just isn’t wise.

For example, its great that Suzie from down the street feels compelled to tell you how blessed she was that her first baby was such a “good sleeper”, and “barely ever cried”. Whats not okay is when that input becomes, “hopefully your baby is like that too”. 🚫🚫🚫

Having a baby is a BEAUTIFUL thing, and if someone is already putting negativity in your head about it – RUN! 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ Sometimes during pregnancy, it is best to steer clear of certain people. You don’t have to cut them out of your life completely, but you want your pregnancy to be a calm, exciting experience. Any negative nancys around you can make you stress, & any stress you feel, the baby will too!

No one can tell you what is the best way for you to do things for your child, except YOU! Yes, your new at this, but so were they once. You will figure it out, I promise! Ask for help when needed, but figure out the flow of what works best for you & your baby. Sample bottles, diapers, and food. If your baby doesn’t like something, they will have ZERO problems letting you know!

SLEEP WHEN YOUR BABY SLEEPS!

I remember being told this when I had my son and I thought to myself “thats crazy!” Why would someone choose to nap when there is so much else that needs to be done. I remember being on maternity leave and being so tired ALL THE TIME, but there was never time for sleep. When the baby was awake I was feeding him, changing him, cleaning him. By the time nap time rolled around I saw it as the perfect opportunity to do the things I couldn’t while he was awake like, take a shower, clean the house, do laundry. I did this for a little while, and in the end I turned myself into a Mombie!


(You can find this & really other cool caricatures designed by Jason Wilkins here at https://www.wilkinsartandcreative.com/store/p4/Mombie.html)

For those who don’t know the term, a Mombie is a mom who never stops. She is exhausted, a little insane, & probably sips coffee & wine like they’re water. She forgets a lot of things, which may sometimes include the names of her child(ren).

It got to the point where I could barely function anymore! So I took some of the advice I received (the good kind), and I took a nap when my baby napped.

It was MAGICAL ✨

For an entire day, I ignored all of my household duties and slept when my baby slept, and let me tell you this was advice I was glad I finally decided to follow! We were both a lot happier & it actually made it easier to find the time to do things in between his naps, and when he was calm.

Now, I didn’t sleep every time he napped, but if Momma was tired, Momma was napping 😂

Alright Mommas repeat after me,

WINE IS FINE! 🍷

Trust Me! You’re gonna need it! And if your not an alcohol drinker, Coffee will do, & if you’re not a coffee drinker well then I don’t know what to tell you and you should probably get a therapist. JK (not really)

If you’re breastfeeding, obviously don’t get wine crazy – (Unless you’re pumping & dumping 😉) But if you’re not then sit back, kick those tired feet up & enjoy a nice glass of the finest cheap moscato you can find! You deserve it Momma!

Along with the wine, & sleep, a lesson in patience will soon arise as your little one begins to test every bit of it you have.

Its hard being a mom, by far the hardest thing I have ever taken on. The constant worry if you’re doing it right, if you’re doing too much or if you are not doing enough.

PATIENCE is huge when is comes to being a mom & believe it or not, it is one of the hardest things to learn as a parent.

They are going to test you, like literally test your patience until you’re left staring at them confused, questioning your sanity. They’re going to hear you say no, think you didn’t mean it the first time & then ask you a thousand more times. They’re going to continue touching whatever you asked them not to, then proceed to use their food as art. As hard as it may seem to do, KEEP CALM & MOMMA ON! Remember that wine we talked about? This is the time to pull that bad boy out and take a nice sip. Then take a deep breath, remind yourself how much you love your child & handle it.

Not only do you have to learn how to be patient with your child, but you need to remember to be patient with yourself as well. You won’t always get it right, that’s just life. Sometimes you’re gonna mess up, especially as a new parent. You’ll give them too much candy, or let them go to bed a little too late. I promise it’s okay. As mommas we learn as our babies grow, and in return we grow as well.

But in order to learn and grow, we need to be patient with ourselves and understand that sometimes, things are gonna get hard. Really hard. And its in those difficult moments, sitting on the floor, tears running down our faces, so exhausted from life that we need to remind ourselves why we try so hard to begin with. That little face that looks at you like you are the most perfect person in the world. And as mommas we need to pick ourselves up and keep pushing. Because if we don’t fight to give our babies the best life possible, then who will?

Okay Mommas I think I have gone on long enough. Bottom line is this, yes momming is hard. But I swear it’s worth every tear, headache & stress pimple you’ll get. YOU were chosen to be a mom for a reason, and as soon as you look into your babies eyes for the first time, you’ll understand that reason perfectly.

Congrats again to you all & Welcome to Mommahood 💜

xoxo – Janii

Should I Keep Going? ❤

              I knew it had been a long time since my last blog post, but I didn’t realize exactly how much time had gone by. I was looking through my site & my last post was on August 9th. Almost FOUR MONTHS!

 I promise this was not my intention. 

 At first, life was a little hectic. We had our FIRST family vacation at the end of August that I had to prep for! ( 23hr long ROAD TRIP with TWO kids!) Once we got back, it was all about back to school, back to work & settling into the new routine now that summer was over.

There were so many moments that I wanted to write about, so many topics that came up that I thought we be great to share. Its easy to plan something, and say “I’ll do it this day”, or “maybe tomorrow”. What’s hard is actually making it happen. I knew I needed to post again, I wanted to keep it up to date and be as active with my blog as possible. Then life happened, stress happened, and that’s when the self-doubt set in.

I started to think that maybe being a blogger just wasn’t for me. What was the point of wanting to write if I never actually did it?

I am a QUEEN when it comes to making excuses for myself on why I cant do something. Thus came the list of reasons why my blogging career should end before it ever got the chance to actually begin:

  1. I’m a mom & dont have the time. (Lame af I know)
  2. I’m not that good at writing.
  3. What if nobody wants to read it?
  4. Whats the point?

  As I thought more and more about the reasons why I shouldn’t blog anymore. I realized those were the exact reasons why I decided to start it in the first place. 

Momming is hard! I have never worked somewhere that or held a position that was as difficult as the one waiting for me at home each night. And it is so easy to let all of that make you feel as though you are the only one living it. I wanted mommas everywhere to know, Hey you’re not alone! It’s hard for me too! Lets laugh about it together!

And there doesnt need to be a point. Nobody needs to read it. And who cares if I’m not the best writer. This makes me happy. Writing. Expressing. Connecting makes me happy. And I want to continue that for as long as I can.

If you are reading this, please take the advice I continually try to instill in myself. Don’t let self doubt ruin the plans you’ve made for yourself or the goals you want to accomplish. It’s not always easy, I know. But the way I am trying to see it is, there are so many people in your life and in your future that are going to doubt you, why do it to yourself? Be your own biggest fan. I don’t ever want to look back one day and regret not doing something because I thought I would fail. I am proud of myself for even getting this far, something I never thought I’d do. And imagining how much farther I could go if I push that little voice aside is what makes me want to keep it going.

I am going to try to keep blogging as much as I can, hopefully a post a week! I apologize in advance if that does not happen. I am a certified struggler when it comes to life & dealing with all its chaos. Sometimes I let it get the best of me. But I am going to try & I hope you will all continue reading. As lame as my posts may be lol.

Much more to come!

XOXO- Janii

Remembering To Breathe

breathe

I have picked up my laptop so many times in the past month or so, stared at the blank screen, & placed it back down again.

So many things have been happening. Things that I don’t even understand,.. so how could I possibly find the words to explain it to all of you.

Then I remembered I started this blog because I wanted to start being honest and open. I wanted to learn to accept and love my life for exactly how it was, no matter how messy or hard. I wanted to be Raw and Real. So instead of trying to come up with ways of explaining, I’ll just tell it how it is…

In the past 2 weeks I have had 4 panic attacks. And although I have always had a history of anxiety and depression, these were different. Scarier. Uncontrollable.

The first one happened on my way home from work. My kids were in the back seat. I felt a weird tightening pain in my chest, my fingertips started to tingle & I noticed it got harder to breathe. Then came this overwhelming feeling to cry, for no reason at all. In two minutes flat I had gone from singing along to the radio, to having a complete meltdown in the middle of the highway. It was the scariest feeling I have had in so long.

The second one was two days later.. And I never knew this was possible but I literally woke up with it. At 8am on a Sunday morning, I woke up because my throat hurt and I had a weird pain in my chest. I drank some water, tried to get comfortable. Nothing worked. And the pain grew stronger. An hour passed. Then two.. By 10:30am I was in full panic mode. Clutching my chest trying to breathe wishing I could rip it open and let the air in myself. Hands shaking, crying. I went to the ER. The triage nurse took one look at me and had someone take me straight back to a room. I can only imagine how I must’ve looked to them.

The dr said I was in a full blown panic attack and they had to give me something to calm my body down because I couldn’t do it on my own. At this point, it had been FIVE HOURS! I was exhausted!

Fast forward a few days & I went to see my dr. I left his office with a prescription & an apt with a psychiatrist. I’ve had two more attacks since then.

Since then I have been taking my medicine everyday and waiting for the apt with the psychiatrist. It feels kinda weird telling the world this. Being so vulnerable and admitting that I live with mental illness. But if I didn’t I would be like everyone else who looks down upon it with shame. As though speaking on it makes it contagious.

There’s one thing that the dr said that stuck with me. It can happen at any moment, anywhere, for no reason at all… & it can be genetic.

That’s when I remembered 5 year old me. At my grandmothers house watching TV. Family talking in the background. My mom was sitting on the couch helping my sister with her homework. There was nothing happening.

Next thing I know my sisters homework is dropped to the floor and my mom is shaking, except it wasn’t a seizure. She’s crying and mumbling something no one understands, and it gets so bad my uncles have to pick her up and put her in a cold shower to calm her down…

I remember 7 year old me. Sitting in the room I shared with my sister directly across the hall from my mother’s. I remember hearing crying from my mom’s room suddenly. Loud, sad crying. Out of control sobbing. I open the door to my mom’s room and see her on the bed shaking again, except this time her hands are on her head and she’s breathing really heavy. I ran to get my brother…

For so long I didn’t understand why that happened to her, or why she was so upset. I was scared to ask. And now, years later I get it.

For someone with an anxiety disorder, especially in severe cases, the trigger doesn’t have to be something big. It doesn’t have to be a loved one dying, or losing your home. It can be as something as simple as forgetting your wallet or missing your bus.

And what makes it SO FRUSTRATING, especially for me, is that it comes whenever the hell it wants. Before this I hadn’t had a panic attack in almost 3 years. I’ve had my ups and downs. Still struggled with depression. But nothing like this.

Then one day it just creeps up & says “Hey, its been awhile. Lets see if you remember me.” & Just like that your laying on the floor clutching your chest begging it to stop, dying to breathe.

I didn’t write this post for pity or concern. I wrote it because in that small amount of time I remembered what it felt like to feel completely hopeless and out of control. It made me feel as though I should just stop trying. At everything. And I know that might seem silly to a lot of you. But that’s exactly how it is.

Posting here wasn’t a priority anymore. Writing in general just seemed like a waste of time. What was the point if I knew that I wouldn’t make it to where I wanted? I just didn’t care. And I HATE when I feel like that because I know that I’m better than that. And I know that’s not me.

So that brings me to here. Right now. Writing a post almost 2 months after my last one. Telling all of you that I am human, and that just like most of you, every day is a constant struggle for me. I am sorry for abandoning you for so long, I am going to try my hardest to not let that happen again. But if it does, I ask that you please bear with me as I am probably trying to snap myself back out of it.

Thank you for all of the continued support & love & I hope you’ll continue reading!

xoxo – Jani

Momma Guilt

A.K.A The I feel like a bad mom syndrome.

We have ALL been there at some point or another. And lets face it, that sinking feeling deep down that you may have disappointed your child in some way or done something that you think maybe moms shouldn’t do, SUCKS!

With all of the things we see on social media nowadays, I often find myself like many others, trying to be #MomGoals. From feeding your kids only organic food, and making sure their in bed at 8pm everyday, to always sharing your snacks and never being able to go pee in private. We are bombarded with pages and photos of moms whom I have deemed #SuperMommas. They make amazing healthy meals, and do DIY crafts everyday with their kids. And for some reason this causes us to question our own parenting and wonder if because we don’t do this, does that make us less of a mom? Social media has become a feeding ground for outsiders to dictate and judge on how another woman should parent. Moms are constantly being shamed and hated on for doing things or acting in a way that some others wouldn’t deem appropriate. And frankly, I’m tired of it.

Nobody is perfect. No mom is perfect. We have all made mistakes in parenting, no matter what it was.

There have been so many times that I felt guilty as a mom, and so many things I wish I could change. When my son was trying to talk me about something he was excited about, but I was too busy with my own stuff to listen that I brushed him away. And thinking about it later that day, and remembering his face drop and walk away, leaving me to feel like the worst mom in the world.

And for the smaller stuff too. When I was too tired to make dinner so I made my daughter dino nuggets, in the microwave. And for not reading books at bed time & not having any good reason not to. And for all the times I said “not right now baby” and “maybe next time” every time they asked me to play.

Guilt is not a bad thing to feel. It shows that you’re a good person with feelings. That knows the difference between right and wrong. And in some aspects of life, feeling guilt can be a good thing. Showing that we understand when we were wrong. But there are some situations that can arise where feeling guilty is just plain BULLSHIT!

Us moms are like super humans! We clean, cook, work, take care of babies, take care of ourselves, clean again, organize & with whatever time we have at the end of the day; we breathe. However, despite our amazing superhuman abilities, we are just that, Humans. And humans make mistakes. As long as you are always being the best version of you & are always doing your best at all you do, nothing else matters.

So Stop questioning yourself if your child watches too much TV, or if they are on the right schedule or not. Stop wondering if your holding them too long. Mommas I have been around a lot of kids in my life. From working in daycares to being raised in a GINORMOUS family! ( Thank you Santiago’s! lol) So many different kids from so many different backgrounds. And this is what I have to constantly remind myself of every time I feel that Mom Guilt creeping back in.

Every time I think back to all of the children I’ve watched grow, I try to remember if I ever noticed anything about them. And I couldn’t. I could never tell if any watched too much TV at home, if one was only raised on a vegan diet, or if another didn’t play outside enough. I don’t remember any of those ever being something that stood out to me ever.

But when your a mom, an aunt, a cousin, there are certain things that you begin to notice with children. A difference between some, that stands more than it would’ve before. You start to notice which ones are constantly showed love to on a daily basis, and which ones are not. You notice which ones are taught to be confident, and which are often put down. These are what matter.

Kiss your babies, shower them in love & adoration. Cuddle them at night, & let them stay if their scared. Remind them their loved and you will always be there.

All of you Mommas are so amazing! Be proud of the kids you are raising. Being a mom is not easy & we all kick ass at it everyday! So don’t feel bad for being selfish sometimes or wanting time for yourself. Its okay. You deserve it.

Even when you think your not doing good enough, I promise you you’re doing great! And to the most important people, your babies; your the most amazing #SuperMomma in the world!

 

XOXO – Jani

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