The past two weeks have been pretty hard for me. I cried a lot. I questioned my self as a mother, partner, friend & as a person. I doubted myself in every way, shape & form. This is what happens. Every time that pinch of darkness comes sneaking back in, reminding me it was never really gone. So I did the same thing I always do. I broke down and let it in. And all of the self-empowerment, all of the self-love & strength I had for myself, gone. Everything I worked so hard for since the last time I fell down that hole, was gone. If your reading this, your probably wondering what happened? What made me so sad? The answer… absolutely nothing.
The first time I was told I had anxiety and depression, I was a senior in high school. And up until that point I always thought there was something wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just be happy? I tried to smile more, laugh more. I painted a different face on myself every morning in hopes that it would somehow change the way I felt inside too. But it never did. I started talking to my guidance counselor who referred me to a psychiatrist.
I was so scared to go. Did this mean I was crazy? What if people find out? I was so worried that there was something actually wrong with me. After a few sessions, I still felt sad. But now I knew how to deal with it better. That was when writing saved me. I started journals, wrote poems. Sometime I even just scratched out a page with a pen as I cried just to get it out. All of my hurt and pain was being poured out on the pages, & in the end I had something so beautiful, so BitterSweet.
It doesn’t happen as often anymore as it did before. And I’ve gotten a lot better at dealing with it. But when it does happen, it hits hard. I can feel it coming in the pit of my stomach, and dread just consumes my entire being. The only thing that makes it harder now is the fact that now, I’m a mother ❤️ I have two beautiful happy children who look at me everyday with love in their eyes and happiness in their sous. They look at me, their momma, and expect me to be strong and happy for them. To keep it together and push through. But what happens when I can’t! What happens on the days that no matter how hard I try, I can’t pull myself out of it. Those days are the worst. Those days were the past two weeks.
Being depressed as a mom makes you feel as though you’ve failed in a way. It makes you feel terrible and that in turn makes the depression worse. I tell myself my kids deserve better. I feel bad for not playing with them when they ask me. I get mad at myself and scream at myself to just snap out of it for them! But I can’t.
I have an amazing support system. Friends, family & my boyfriend. Amazing people who constantly remind me that it is okay. That I’m a good mom, and I’ll get thru it. But their will always be the people who don’t understand what it is like to deal with a mental illness that you can’t control & will make you feel bad for feeling bad. And if you don’t have a support system or people to help you thru it, you might start to believe them.
Hence the reason for this post. I will be your support system. I will be your help. Because I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and wish the day was already over before it began. To look at yourself I’m the mirror & not be able to feel anything good about yourself. Even if your not a mom, this is for you. ❤️
It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to feel sad and hurt and broken. It is okay to not smile everyday. Someone once told me that I feel too much & I use to think that it was a bad thing. But now I don’t. Feeling a lot means I have a big heart, it means my soul is good. So if sometimes feeling too much means pain & hurt then that’s okay. Take the good with the bad.
But the one thing that is so important, is to not let yourself stay at the bottom. Remind yourself of your strength, of your beauty, of the fact that there is no one else in the world like you. If there is something in your life making you unhappy, change it. Whether it be relationships, work, or within yourself. Your own self-love is so important. It’s okay to feel sad, as long as you remember that happiness exists.
I created this blog as a place one can go to for acceptance, and understanding. And just to vent. So if you read this post & have felt any of this before, if you feel alone or unhappy and need someone to listen. If you just need a friend period. Comment, send me a message. Reach out. Mental illness is nothing to play around with. There is always someone willing to listen. I am one of them ❤️
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, and are having thought of suicide or self help, please reach out to someone you love & get help. Or call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.
You never know what someone is dealing with in their life or in their head. Spread love & kindness always 🌹❤️
Xoxo- Jani 💋